


Equals

by linenwrites



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:29:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25286140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linenwrites/pseuds/linenwrites
Summary: After the inner circle and their guests start retelling their mating stories, Elain explains why she chooses Azriel despite a mating bond chosen for her by the Cauldron.
Relationships: Elain Archeron/Azriel
Kudos: 53





	Equals

**Author's Note:**

> AN: I haven’t really proof read this. Its just.. I’ve had this idea floating around my head so I decided to put the metaphorical pen to paper to get it out. This is just a one shot of why Elriel makes sense to me 🤷♀️ I’m also posting this on mobile so please forgive me for any formatting issues and what not.

Elain watched in silence as Azriel faded into shadows, the voices around them growing more raucous by the second.  
He had been doing it more lately.  
Or, perhaps she was only now able to see it.  
It was hard to tell.  
She loosed a long breath as she looked around the table.  
No one else seemed to have noticed. They were all focused on Feyre as she regaled the inner circle and their guests with the story of how she had found out Rhys was her mate.  
Elain couldn’t stop the amused grin that spread across her face as she watched Kallias and Viviane laugh at Feyre’s tale. Her eyes flicked towards Azriel once again and her grin quickly faded.  
“Az.” She whispered.  
The darkness disappeared in an instant, his anxious eyes darting around the room, searching for a threat, before they finally fixed on her.  
Elain gave him a slight smile and he dipped his head, eyes softening.  
Though she turned her eyes away from him, pain tugged at her chest at that momentary flash of panic that had consumed him. She understood that feeling all too well.  
Everyone had thought that Elain had mastered her visions years ago, before the final battles of the war, but the truth was that she had only really started gaining full control over the last several weeks.  
True, it had been years since the visions had held her in their grasp, fully consuming her to the point that her eyes glazed over and she couldn’t differentiate the present from the future when she spoke but that didn’t mean they hadn’t continued to plague her.  
For years she had felt them tickle at the edges of her mind as the fog and whispers fought to take center stage. It had been a constant effort to push them aside.  
No one had known, save Azriel, that she had struggled.  
“Listen,” Feyre exclaimed, “I was absolutely pissed at you for not telling me but I also didn’t understand how it could be true!”  
“It’s important to remember,” Rhys drawled to Kallias in a stage whisper, “that the Feyre we know and love today wasn’t who I was dealing with then. She had thought she wasn’t my equal.”  
“Oh, please!” Vivianne said between laughter.  
“I was still newly made.” Feyre shrugged, a genuine smile plastered on her face. “I didn’t know the extent of my powers.”  
“Well, your story is sweet but Viv should tell their story.” Mor interjected with a waggle of her eyebrows.  
Elain stood up quickly as a flush spread across her neck. She had heard this story once before and had no desire to hear it again.  
“Dessert!” She exclaimed, “I just remembered, I have dessert in the kitchen. I’ll be right back.”  
Once she was in the safety of the kitchen, she braced her hands on the counter as she let her head fall forward. A dark chuckle sounded from the doorframe.  
Elain whipped around to see Azriel standing there, arms crossed over his chest. The blue siphons on his hands glinted in the fae light.  
“I figured you could use a hand.” He said, pushing himself off the door frame and coming to her side to help prepare the tray.  
“A coinvent excuse.” She muttered but grinned up at him none the less.  
They worked in silence. Elain chewed on her lip as she tried to make the mess of feelings clanging around in her head into something more solid. Setting down the knife she had been using to slice the tiered cake, she turned to look at her friend.  
“Thank you.”  
He let out a huff. “I am happy to help but, trust me, I feel you’re doing me a favor. I really don’t need to hear about the exact look on Kallias’ face when the bond snapped in place for them. Again.”  
His wings ruffled slightly in agitation.  
“No, not for that. Thank you for being there for me.”  
Azriel set down the plates he had been laying out to turn to look at her. Now that his full gaze was on her, Elain felt heat blossom on her cheeks.  
“It’s just, with Feyre describing her conversation with the Suriel, it got me thinking.”  
She paused, struggling to find the words as Azriel continued to look at her, giving her the time to formulate her thoughts.  
“Feyre is Rhysand’s equal even though their powers aren’t the same. I don’t know what it’s like to be a shadowsinger but you the only person who has ever understood me, my powers. You see me. This may be silly but I hope that you know that I am here for you as well.”  
He opened his mouth before shutting it, brows furrowing as his head cocked to the side.  
“Forget I said anything,” she muttered, turning back to the cake.  
She tried to cause a distraction for the both of them, clattering the plates and utensils about. She was making more noise than needed but Elain was keenly aware that Azriel hadn’t turned back to resume his work and she could feel the weight of his stare.  
The flush was spreading now, down her throat and onto her chest. Elain moved faster, finishing in record time.  
With a sigh, she prepared herself to turn and face her friend but Azriel grabbed the tray and disappeared into shadow.  
Elain began to gnaw on her bottom lip once more.  
She shouldn’t have said anything.  
Elain returned to the dining room, not even the slightest bit surprised to learn that Azriel had excused himself for the rest of the evening moments before she had arrived.  
She had expected it but the knowledge had still left her feeling a little empty inside. She moved to the side of the room to sit alone for some time, quietly observing the group as she thought of dynamic of her relationship with Azriel.  
Elain valued his companionship beyond all the others. She thought of that first day in the garden, the first time he had mentioned that he didn’t always feel like he belonged. He had been trying to make her feel better, to let her know that she wasn’t alone in her isolation. In some weird way it had helped her, knowing that someone who had been with this group for so long still felt alone at times. But even in the haze, Elain had wanted to make his hurt go away.  
At the beginning, when she was still so lost to her visions and could barely speak, she gave him some of her favorite flowers that she had grown. As time passed and she gained control, Elain had become more vocal in expressing how much she valued him in her life but there were still moments like this evening when he would try to push her away.  
Making up her mind, Elain excused herself from the rest of the group.  
She quietly walked up the steps, barely even noticing the tickle in her head of an impending vision. She passed her bedroom and continued down the hallway until she stood in front of Azriel’s door.  
With a shaking hand, she prepared to knock but the door opened before her hand made contact with the wood. Elain didn’t bother waiting as she immediately stepped forward to cross over the threshold into Azriel’s room.  
She was plunged into complete darkness once the door shut behind her.  
“Azriel?” She whispered tentatively.  
She heard rustling from behind her and then a hand touched hers. She flinched in surprise at the contact and Azriel withdrew. Elain practically lunged in his direction, gripping tight to his arm.  
“Please don’t hide from me.”  
She felt his body relax and a moment later the shadows withdrew.  
They stood in the center of his room, her refusing to let go of him.  
Elain saw his eyebrows raise ever so slightly as she pulled him along so they could sit at the foot of his bed.  
She slid her hands down, adjusting her grip so she held one of his massive hands between her own, cradling it in her lap.  
The two sat in silence. After a moment, she moved to rest her head against his shoulder.  
“You should be down with the others.” He said quietly, his body remaining still and unrelenting as stone beneath her.  
“They will be fine without me.”  
Azriel pulled away, disentangling himself from her. He stood up and walked across the room, bracing both hands against the dresser in the corner.  
“So will I.”  
Elain had once heard Rhys compare Cassian to fire and Azriel to ice. She felt the shudder pass over her at his words but pushed on. “Let me rephrase that then: I would rather be with you.”  
He turned to look at her, the unfeeling mask cracking for just a moment to reveal the desperation beneath. “You can’t say things like that. You can’t say that the story with the Suriel reminds you of me.”  
“What do you mean? Azriel, you have been the best thing that has happened to me since I moved to Velaris.”  
He crossed his arms across his chest and he looked for all the world like he was preparing to fight her down on her own feelings.  
She shook her head.  
“It’s like I said earlier - you are the only person who understands me.”  
“But that is the thing, Elain. You don’t understand me. Do you know what it means to be a shadowsinger?”  
She tentatively nodded. “As much as you know what its like to be a seer.”  
“I torture people,” he retorted. “You do not. That is the difference between you and I. We will never understand one another.”  
He turned his back on her once again, signaling quite clearly that the conversation was over but Elain refused to be dismissed so easily.  
“Why?” Elain asked, voice hard.  
“‘Why’ what?” He murmured.  
“Why do you torture people?”  
She gave him a moment but he kept his back towards her and she let out a long sigh.  
“It is to protect us.” Elain said in a voice barely above a whisper. “Everything you do, it is to protect us and for that, and for so many other reasons, I am happy you are in my life.”  
She watched as his shoulders sagged.  
“You don’t know what you are saying. If you truly knew, you wouldn’t want me in your life.”  
She saw him shake his head but still, he didn’t turn to look at her.  
“I know why the Cauldron blessed me.”  
Azriel turned to look at her then, surprise coloring his features. She had always flatly refused to talk about her time in the Cauldron, even to Nesta.  
“It told me. The Cauldron said that it felt sorry for me. Do you have any idea what it is like to have the Cauldron, the object that created the universe, look at all that you are and pity your very existence? It saw every moment I had lived and knew every thought I ever had. It saw all of me and came back with nothing more than a naïve girl that deserved to be pitied. It gave me this new life so I could try again.  
"When I was human, I spent so much of my life agonizing over the future. Would my father recover from his injuries? Was Feyre dead? Would Nesta ever marry a man who could keep her safe? The Cauldron made me a seer so I would no longer have to guess. It made sure I would know but I have found that knowledge is a curse. Do you know how many times I have seen you all die?”  
She saw a muscle in his jaw flicker.  
“I learned quickly that I can’t help everyone, Azriel. I get to watch as my choices, my actions and inactions, hurt others. This weight is on my shoulders and I accept it so long as I can use it to keep you all safe.”  
Azriel opened his mouth but Elain plunged on.  
“And then there is Lucien.”  
Azriel’s eyes widened at this. They had never really talked about this. He had stood by her side when she announced her decision to break the bond, even stepping between her and Feyre when her sister urged her to ‘think it over’. But never had the two of them discussed why.  
“When I was human, I loved a man who was wicked. I was blinded by his sweet words and noble title. The Cauldron knew he would never love me once I was made so it gave me Lucien. A male who would have not one but two claims to a throne. A good male of noble lineage who would one day allow me to be higher socially than I had ever imagined. A male who would love me beyond my wildest dreams, who would care for me and give me a life I couldn’t even begin to fathom. Being mated to him would allow me, simple Elain, to have a purpose and bridge the gap between Spring and Night. It would have allowed us to make an alliance that would be so strong that it would ensure peace amongst the courts even after we are all nothing more than dust.”  
She let out a small, humorless laugh.  
“But you and I both know how that worked out. Turns out, I didn’t actually want Lucien. I know how Feyre feels on the matter, even if she would never say it to my face now that the bond is broken. I know that everyone thinks I made a rash decision and that I didn’t give him a chance.”  
She shook her head in sadness and frustration. “I knew exactly what I gave up when I rejected the bond. I don’t want that life.”  
Azriel pushed himself off the dresser, moving purposefully towards her. Elain watched every movement with bated breath until he stopped before her.  
“So what do you want now, Elain?”  
Her eyes went hazy for a moment. When they cleared, she gave him a blinding smile at the future ahead.  
“An equal.”


End file.
